On my fridge next to painted handprints and school pics is a pad of paper with a magnet on the back. One day I thought I would write something on the pad, and maybe, just maybe my husband would read it, and it would inspire him.
Seven days later he looks at me blankly standing in front of our fridge, reading my “shame never creates change.” He repeats it like it was written twice and goes back outside to weed eat. Thats when I realized the pad on the fridge was going to be my own little self help sessions.
A week later my husband and I wake up on the wrong side of the house, both stubborn, pig headed and RIGHT. After saying all that could be said to him, I stormed into the kitchen and ripped my “Shame Never Creates Change” off the pad. Franticaly I search for any means of writing utensil. I come across a fat crayola crayon : blue for cold hearted.
If you have ever colored with a fat crayon, you know where I’m coming from. You can barely stay in the lines; much less write the lyrics pouring from my poor misunderstood soul.
I scrible in anger “I Create Change, ME ALONE.” I went on to use the crayon for 2 pages of ranting blah is blah and yadda yadda yadda…..finally I calm down enough to find an ink pen, and finish my now eleoquent writing….
….I feel acomplished….
Now it is Saturday, more that a week after the original freak-out, and my husband finaly sees the new message. He looks at me as if he wrote it him self, beaming with pride because as he would say; “we can only help ourselves.”
I have to say that my little self help sessions are going well. I feel more sure, now more than ever, that I am a complete idiot..
Below is what I wrote that day:
I create change. Me. ALONE. And it is so lonley here. So cold but far from numb. I feel for both of us as you reason your way out. I dont know another way but at least I shared mine with you.
When it finally happens I will know I caused it. I’ve been causing Hell for a while now. Maybe if my body was pure, my mind would start to resurface. Why does your mind have to be cloudy to be here; loving me? We are losing track of all preciousness. One day it will simply BE LOST.
It was so late in the day when I realized the game we played morning after morning lead us here. It was so late in the night when we realize our home is destroyed.
Wiggling my feet in our cottney debris; I know your feet are somewhere. I will surly find them soon. Again I waken, this time fighting to snap out of this drearyness and swoop into your skin and warm my soul.
I think I would rather spend my entire life alone, than to love you and lose you. HOW SELFISH of me. Selfish bastard, just like the one I married. Now realizing it is my own head that is crazy; I have taken full responsibility for not being sane, or even smart, but I loved you with all of me.
We cannot spend another minute here. We must wake up and evolve with life. I surrender. I am wrong. You are right. From now until forever I will take the blame for life. My way of loving you has sufocated you. I am sorry. IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING SET IT ON FIRE….and thats what I try to do, burn for you…