I use to write a blog on MySpace. (what’s MySpace?) back when it was all the rage. I wrote funny things, sexy things, poetry. I wrote real life stuff. I wrote it well. After looking back today, I can’t help but feel compelled to bring back everyone’s favorite “Wesley’s World”
This may be controversial, as Wes and I are no longer together, but for the love of peat, its good funny stuff, and amazingly it’s all real. So enjoy this; your first installment of WESLEY’S WORLD.
The events you are about to read actually happened in Wesley’s World.
A group of friends gathered at my house to cook bacon cheeseburgers. Besides me, my cousin Leslie and Eric were here. Eric had brought along a first timer to Wesley’s World; we shall call her Amanda. We warned her of how the events to come when Wesley got home were unknown. We advised her to proceed with caution. Leslie actually informed her to duck and weave!
Now at his arrival, Wes flew into the driveway, passing 4 other vehicles… He screeched onto the porch; headlights shining directly into Leslie’s eyes. He entered the scene and grabbed a Coors light and went into the bedroom to get out of his work clothes.
Now 20 minutes ago Eric had lost a bet. He was sure he could convince Wes to stop for tortilla chips for the freshly made queso Leslie had whipped up for all of us as an appetizer. Wes laughed at his request.
Wes came out of the bedroom and informed Eric he had indeed gotten him some chips but had actually stomped on them saying “Fuck yo chips nigga!!” In the words of Dave Chappell; one of Wesley’s favorite comedians, he jumped all over the floor demonstrating what he had done to the chips. Leslie and Eric were forced to eat the queso with Wavy Lays potato chips…horrible. Really.
Eric had hand crafted 6 patties wrapped in bacon and I had placed them on the grill. When I went out to flip them, the smoke invaded my nose and I went back inside to ask for reinforcements. Leslie stepped up to the grill. Before we knew it, the grill was on fire flames rose from the burgers. Wes and I quickly debated the best plan of action and Leslie shouted “I don’t know what to do guys!”
I sprang into action going to remove the burgers from the flame when Wes was there in an amazing dive play from behind, he poured half of his beer onto the grill and the flames were tamed.
As we all gathered to put our fixin’s (deep Texas drawl) onto our burgers Wes informed our new guest what the rest of us already knew. “When I married my wife I told her I’m either hungry or horney. If I don’t have an erection, you best be makin me a sammich.”
Then he bites into the burger, unknowingly and only the day after he had a device planted in his esophagus in a procedure I cannot pronounce. Wes swallows a piece of toothpick that Eric had placed around the burgers to hold the bacon firmly in place (the burgers really were killer) it was a disaster; he was bent over in pain.
Now you ask yourself, what else could happen? And what was the new girl thinking?? Shit she was too busy laughing her ass off, swearing she needed a video camera.
Now Wes was attempting to stick his ice cold Simpsons beer mug on our daughter. He teased her, “I’m going to get you!” I played along saying “No Daddy, No!” and I moved her arms back and forth. I slapped the beer mug into his nose sending his Coors Light all over him. He yelped in pain again!
Leaning on the bar now he said “I have a lump! “ Then he broke out into song singing “She’s lump, she’s lump she smacked me in the head”
Now I am pulling up my latest poem “ Lost in Transition” for Wes and Leslie to read. I pick up my computer and proceed to walk off with it connected to the plug in the wall and I pull Leslies drink over onto the floor. Wes laughs. Within 5 minutes, he has knocked over my drink and Eric’s after attempting some sort of acrobatic move to get around Eric, the dog and me in an effort to continue a dart game that has gone into sleep mode 3 times at this point.
We proceed in a conversation about who has hit the most poles, fences, and unfortunately also houses in our cars. Wes swears I win simply by default (and the fact I am the one who ran into the house) but I bring up two incidences in which he clearly hit : The pole at 7-11 and the parked car next door to his dads shop! So agreeing to disagree, we are tied.
Okay, now Amanda’s side is hurting from laughing and she says she has to get home and retire… Next time she will bring her video camera because this was so great she “almost peed her pants
As they gather their things Amanda can’t find her phone. We call it and the ring is emanating from somewhere inside the couch. Wes removes the cushion and digs in. He pulls out one phone, then another. We joke about how many phones could possibly be in the couch. Guesses, anyone???
Yes he pulls out another phone…..then finally her phone!!! I remark what a good story this would make; Wesley’s World. I offer my idea of making them famous. Like Wayne’s World, Eric could be Garth and Wes could be Wayne. We could even U Tube episodes. The bowling alley, the time Wes slapped Craig. The time Wes was clothes-lined at the Halloween party.. the list goes on and on.
Right now he and Eric are making fun of me, here, blogging. Singing a theme song “BLOGGING AND DREAMING 15 MILLION MILES OUT OF MY MIND. ” I THINK THEY ARE JUST DRUNK ENOUGH TO BELIEVE THEY ARE JIMMY BUFFET. WES POINTS TO HIS BRAIN,” I HAVE A LOT OF GOOD BLOGS IN HERE” he says in a bad English accent.
SINGING AGAIN “DO YOU LIKE WHEAT NUT BREAD?? WANT ANOTHER SAMMICH??